Are You Ready to be a Parent? (Part 2)
... amusing test for potential parents continued ...
14 Tests for couples to perform before taking the plunge (Part 2 of 2 below):
Test 8: Grocery shopping
1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child — a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries — without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Test 9: Feeding a one-year-old
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure a lot of it falls on the floor.
Test 10: TV
1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on TV for at least five years.
Test 11: Mess
1. Smear peanut butter on to the sofa and jam on to the curtains.
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds, then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon.
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house on to the floor, then proceed with Step 5.
5. Drag random items from one room to another and leave them there.
Test 12: Long trips with toddlers
1. Make a recording of someone shouting ‘Mummy’ repeatedly.
Important notes: there must not be more than a four-second delay between each Mummy, and include occasional crescendos to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for four years.
Test 13: Conversations with adults
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.
Test 14: Getting ready for work
1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put one cup of lemon juice in it.
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt.
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture.
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel.
8. Don’t change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work.
You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!
(Excerpted from the UK Daily Mail, with light editing)
- Dominic Smyth