Are You Ready to be a Parent? (Part 1)

Posted on May 05, 2017 by Dominic Smyth | 0 Comments

This should amuse you ... not frighten you :)

14 Tests for couples to perform before taking the plunge (Part 1 of 2 below):

Test 1: Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy:

1.  Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.

2.  Leave it there.

3.  After nine months, remove 5 per cent of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:

1.  Go to a local chemist. Tip the contents of your wallet on to the counter and tell the pharmacist to help herself.

2.  Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to its head office.

3.  Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2: Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and pay out on them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild.

Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life when you will have all the answers!

Test 3: Nights

1.  Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing 4-6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.

2.  At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.

3.  Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.

4. Set the alarm for 3am.

5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of coffee.

6.  Go to bed at 2.45am.

7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.

8.  Sing songs in the dark until 4am.

9.  Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.

10.  Make breakfast.

Keep this up for five years — and LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4: Dressing small children

1.  Buy a live octopus and string bag.

2.  Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

Time allowed: five minutes.

Test 5: Cars

1.  Forget the BMW. Buy a practical five-door wagon.

2.  Buy a chocolate ice-cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.

3.  Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.

4.  Take a box of chocolate biscuits. Mash them into the back seat.

5.  Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6: Going for a walk

1.  Wait.

2.  Go out the front door.

3.  Come back in again.

4.  Go out.

5.  Come back in again.

6.  Go out again.

7.  Walk down the front path.

8.  Walk back up it.

9.  Walk down it again.

10.  Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.

11. Stop, inspect diligently and ask AT LEAST six questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.

12.  Retrace your steps.

13.  Scream that you’ve had as much as you can stand, until the neighbours come out and stare at you.

14.  Give up and go back in the house.

Test 7: Conversations with children

Repeat everything you say at least five times.

..... to be continued ....

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